Are you ashamed of your sexual wants, thoughts and desires?

I have noticed that if we feel ashamed of our sexual side then we want to box it up and place it high up on a shelf...out of sight, out of mind. We want to make sure that this sexual energy is kept under control. When we feel ashamed we feel emotions such as depression, shame, guilt, anger and many others. If we feel we are not safe expressing and/or owning our sexual energy then of course we would just suppress it. The more we push our sexual thoughts, desires and wants down the more they completely consume us. They consume us in a secretive way. In ways such as getting mad the kids for little things, attacking our spouse with hurtful words or a mindless conversation, feeling worthless, eating ourselves into a world of numbness and filling the void. Our sexual energy is our creative energy. We are sexual beings. Having sexual wants, thought and desires is 100% normal and natural. We may not act out every thought, want or desire but it is completely acceptable to allow yourself to feel and connect with your sexual self.

Here are 3 ways that can assist you in opening up to your sexual thoughts, wants and desires.

We dedicate time to so many things. Taking the kids to school, doing the laundry, washing the dishes, reading a book, making dinner and so many other things. I would love for you to consider the possibility of spending time getting in touch with your sexual wants, thoughts, and desire. Take 5 minutes and allow yourself to tap into your sexual energy.  What we focus on expands. We want to be focusing on being sexually fulfilled and showing up in a space of love, peace and sensuality. Take time and meditate and add an extra 5 minutes to tap into your sexual wants, thoughts and desires.

We work out for so many different reasons. Did you know that exercise creates better sex. The core is the place where our  sexual energy resides( this energy also resides in the heart but we open up our heart through love and trust). When we are doing physical workouts commit to a different workout routine 2 times a week. Add some hip thrust and some deep core work. Do 50 kegels a day. The vaginal muscles are just that muscles. They deserve a great workout as well. The rewards are two fold here as you will experience more sexual pleasure but you also increase your chances of not having to wear depends when you get older! We must dedicate time to strengthen our sexual muscles.

There is nothing else that will shut down your sexual wants, thought and desires as boredom will. Create something sexy. Create something spontaneous. Create something sensual. I am not saying that this will be the most comfortable thing to do. Anytime we do something out of the ordinary we can feel nervous, excited and a little uncomfortable. When we do something out of the ordinary in the bedroom we create excitement. Think of anything in your life. When you are bored you feel bland and dull. Now think of something exciting in your life. Even if it was putting yourself out there I know it made you feel alive. The bedroom is a place where getting uncomfortable and actually become the best decision you made. I remember the 1st time I did a pretty naughty strip tease for my husband. I was a nervous wreak. I actually drank some alcohol to calm my nerves but all this did was make my dancing a little more tipsy. Still I created excitement and something new in our marriage and still to this day my husband and I can remember that amazing strip tease. Do something new and do something fun. I promise you will be happy did.

Have you ever felt intense anger during sex?

Have you ever felt tears of sadness during sex?

Have you ever felt like giggling during sex?

Have you ever felt numb during sex?

Have you ever felt extreme love or extreme hate during sex?

I wanted to ask you these questions as I have experienced all of these emotions during or after sex. In our culture we are taught that sex should only be filled with pleasure and maybe a bit of pain if you and your partner are into that. We are taught that to feel emotions other then pleasure means that something is wrong with us sexually. We hear messages that create shame and guilt inside of us if we feel any of the above emotions I have mentioned. I wanted to share my emotional history with sex in the hopes that it will assist you in feeling more connected to your sexual soul. 

I always have enjoyed being sexual. I haven't always enjoyed sex but I have always enjoyed being sexual. When I was younger I know the power of my feminine body. I knew that if I wore tight shirts and booty shorts I could get a lot of attention. This longing for men's attention came because of my first connection with a man. My biological father abandon me at a very young age and would also deny that I was even his. Even thou this happened at such a young age it completely altered how I interacted with men. I longed for men to want me, to love me, to need me and to approve of me. I knew that my sexual energy would be the easiest way to get that approval. I enjoyed sexing myself up to go out on the town. This method  never failed I always found someone to fill this aching emptiness. I would love the laughter and the connection. I would reach out in the hopes that they could make me feel whole again. The night would go on and we would dance, laugh, have a drink and then make out. (When I was younger I was afraid of sex itself so that kept me a bit safer.  I would have slept with many men searching for this approval if I didn't have this underlying fear). My biological father was a raging alcoholic and he was extremely abusive. I am sure this is where my fear of sex came from. He would force himself on my mom in a brutal way so this made me fearful of sex. Anyway.  I spent many a nights trying to find this approval, this love that I thought only a man could give me.

When I was 17 I fell in love. His name was Eddie and he made me feel complete. He made me feel special. He made me feel wanted. He made me feel loved. How I attracted him into my life would only make sense, his mother was an alcoholic. He could relate to my pain and we used each other to fill the silence of a disconnected parent.  He assisted me in covering up my issue of abandonment and rejection and I assisted him in covering up his issue of lonliness and despair.  So about a month went by and we finally had sex. I had an orgasm in about 1 minute. I didn't know what an orgasm with a man felt like. I had masturbated for years but had no idea I was giving myself orgasms. So when he gave me an orgasm something happened and I felt shame, guilt and shock. For the next 10 years I never experienced an orgasm through penetration alone. I went years with attaching so much to my ability to not have an orgasm with penetration alone. I had no one to talk to I just had my own thoughts that created a feeling of darkness and hatred.

So I am now married and have been for 15 years. I have been working on releasing many emotions that I have around sex. Here is the first experience I had that I know that sex could and is so healing. One night Jeff and I wanted to try something new in the bedroom. I asked him at dinner if he would kind of be a bit forceful with me and really use some aggressive energy. The night went on and I had forgot about our dinner conversation. We were laying in bed and we started wrestling and I was laughing and giggling. He then reached over, slapped me pretty hard and threw me on my back. He was doing what I had asked him but it didn't go down like I expected. When he slapped me I started to sob. This was a cry so deep, so intense, so painful. I cried and cried for about 30 minutes. This experience assisted me in realizing that sex is extremely healing. Some of this pain was my own for going so many years searching for approval but some of this energy was from my mother. Generational energy that was trapped inside me. I am thankful for that experience. I am also thankful for the ability for me to realize that feeling, expressing and healing my emotions during or after sex is completely normal. I still have moments when I feel like crying after sex and so I do. It has nothing to do with the sex itself. It has to do with the emotions that sex brings up and if we just suppress these then sex will never be enjoyable.

It is absolutely acceptable to feel joy, anger, sadness, laughter and any other emotion that comes up while we are being sexual. Sex is the most amazing thing and when we are having a sexual relationship with our spouse, someone who hopefully we feel safe with, we are going to have these emotional experiences. Release your need to be perfect in the bedroom. Its okay to be a hot mess. Laugh, cry, kick, scream and love yourself through the process of sexual emotional healing.

You are absolutely amazing and you deserve to feel comfortable expressing your sexual emotions. Don't shut down. Don't run. Show up. Embrace who you are and allow yourself to be transparent and loved.  

Loving your own body is a must if you want to experience amazing sex. I have heard so many people talk about how spiritual sex is. How sex takes them to these heights that are mind blowing and life changing. I have read stories about people feeling so connected as thou two bodies become one. I have heard of a woman who talks about having the most out of this world spiritual experience of heightened pleasure in the bedroom and she calls this event" Machu Picchu".   So when I hear stories like this I wonder why I haven't had these amazing mind blowing spiritual sexual encounters. Where is my Machu Picchu? After taking some personal time and really feeling into this question here is what my answer revealed to me and I want to share it with you.

I am focused on my physical body. I focusing on fully showing up and really loving the connection I am experiencing on a physical level.  I focus on how my body looks. I focus on if I am turning my husband on. I focus on the physical sounds I am making, as I want my husband to know that I am enjoying this sexual endeavor . I focus on arching my back and pushing my breast out in the most sensual of ways. I focus on caressing my body in a way that will drive my hubby wild. I focus on fully loving my pussy and allowing her to receive all the beautiful masculine pleasure she is taking in. I focus on feeling into my hips, circling them and allowing the energy to build so I can experience orgasmic bliss. I focus on my breathe, I focus on serving my husband. I focus on loving my body in the most powerful way. I focus on loving my husbands body and showing him my desire to please him. I focus on the physical nature of being a sexual being.These are all amazing things and bring so much passion an pleasure to the bedroom.

I love the physical part of sex. I love the erotic nature of showing myself to my husband. I love being playful and fully showing up inside the bedroom. I love the moments that we get to connect sexually and I always allow myself to fully feel into the orgasmic experience.  

I believe sex comes in stages.  I feel as thou the spiritual side of sex will come when we have released all the walls that keep us from fully expressing and experiencing awesome physical sex. The mental blocks that keep us trapped. The emotional blocks that keep us stuck. The physical hang ups that keep us from seeing and feeling all our sensual beauty. Once we have worked on and released many of these mental, emotional and physical blocks then we may be open enough to experience our own Machu Picchu in the bedroom. 

Lets first commit to fully loving our own bodies and fully show up in our physical essence of who we truly are in the bedroom.  YES, YES, YES!!!!!


60 days to a bedroom mind, body and soul program will launch on October 1st. This has been a vision of mine for a while now and it is going to be awesome.