Wow, I just realized I have spent the whole month of December just being and not writing. I really enjoyed this amazing, quiet, internal space. I enjoyed being a mom, a wife, a woman and a soul expanding in love and compassion.
During this quiet, internal reflection time. I started wondering how many of us inside marriage focus on infusing our relationship with love, compassion and understanding. What if it is possible to create the marriage we have always dreamed of? What if we could be a beautiful, outgoing and awakening counterpart to our spouses experience of marriage instead of a silent, maybe even bitter, quiet counterpart. What if everything we are longing for inside our marriage is just behind the door of both pain and pleasure. What if we do everything we can in marriage in order to avoid feeling our painful emotions but that is the only emotion that we must feel to bring us the bright joy we are seeking?
We can not pretend that we have no hidden pain inside our soul. This hidden pain will demand to be expressed and if we do not choose to express it in a space of vulnerability and pureness then it will destory us and everything around us, including our marriage. I have found when we have unexpressed anger inside our marriage it is super simple to project and blame our spouse for our internal pain. Our spouse can awaken hidden pain in a way that no one else is capable of awakening and then we can blame that painful feeling on our spouse for awakening it. We start focusing on all the things that we don't like about our spouse at that time and the energy of dislike and hatred grow and grow until we feel as thou we are completely unhappy inside our marriage. This is a false unhappiness. This emotional pain that we are feeling wants to be felt, expressed and then released. It no longer wants us to keep pushing it aside as if it doesn't matter.
I have found that many of these painful emotions can be triggered with and through our sexual energy. Sex can be such a beautiful thing and it can also become something so dark and painful that joy and pleasure seems like a fairytale. As a woman, it is so simple for us to self punish by shutting down our pleasure center and our ability to receive. If we are disconnected from our sexual yumminess and our divine feminine power then we will feel lost and as thou we are missing something. We must awaken to the feminine. We must allow ourselves to feel every emotion. The good the bad, the right the wrong, the dark the light, the beauty and ugliness. We can no longer allow ourselves to pick and choose what emotions we feel are acceptable to feel and which emotions we feel are unacceptable. We can feel every emotion and feel it deeply and fiercly and still be in our divine feminine energy. We get to remember the beauty of being a woman.
Allow yourself the knowing that sex can activate and awaken some darkness that we have been hidding for years, maybe even most of our lifetime. Sex is full of light and will shine brightly on the pain that is hidden in the corner. I can promise you this. It is a commitment. It is a journey. It is the most amazing pathway to heal and the most painful pathway to heal. We are so exposed and extremely vulnerable when we are sharing our sexual energy. We are in such an open state of being that our emotions will flow freely. Allow them to flow. Allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to feel.
I have been on my sexual healing journey for years and...
I have felt anger during sex.
I have felt sadness during sex.
I have felt lonliness during sex.
I have felt darkness during sex.
I have felt unworthy during sex.
I have felt unloved during sex.
I have felt disconnected during sex.
I have felt insecure during sex.
I have felt frustrated during sex.
BUT I HAVE ALSO EXPERIENCED
I have felt connected during sex.
I have felt seen during sex.
I have felt extreme happiness during sex.
I have felt beautiful pleasure during sex.
I have felt an amazing spiritual connection during sex.
I have felt loved during sex.
I have felt deeply delighted during sex.
I have felt the most beautiful energy during sex.
I have felt sparks during sex.
I have felt a deep awakening of my inner feminine beauty during sex.
All these emotions I have felt during my sexual healing journey have been absolutely amazing. None of them are right or wrong. They are all beautiful and have something to teach me. I use to feel painful emotions and then project them onto my husband. I would blame him for me feeling this way but really he was just awakening this emotion that was buried deep down in my soul. When we decide to allow our sexual energy to open up and express itself we will feel free and we will feel whole. We will feel pain and we will feel pleasure but we will create a connection so deep and so pure with our spouse along the way. Our spouse is a spiritual counterpart to who we are as a whole. When we allow ourself to open up, become vulnerable and express our emotional pains and pleasures then we will allow this beautiful connection that will expand and contract through our whole life. We will no longer what to run from our pain , we will want to lean into it and feel it deeply.
Choose today to allow your sexual yumminess to express her or himself. Our sexual energy will create magic. It will not be all sunshine and rainbows but it will be the most amazing thing that we can share inside our marriage. Our sexual energy, our divine feminine receiving energy has the capablity of transforming ourself as well as our relationship!