What do I do when my wife hates sex?
I personally believe that women do not hate sex. Women can create beliefs about sex that make them feel shameful and guilty when it comes to receiving sexual pleasure. Most of our sexual beliefs get created when we are growing up and exploring our sexual self. Most often, women do not receive positive messages when it comes to their sexuality. Women are usually receiving many downloads of negativity and shame. So my first question would be...What are the beliefs you have about sex and are they helping you or hindering you? Many times girls hear things such as
- All men want is sex
- Men are pigs
- Men are always thinking about sex
- Girls that dress like that are tramps
- Girls that express their sexual desires are whores
- Good girls don't do things like that
This is just a few things that we could have heard that does damage if we adopt the belief and hold tightly to it.
Here is another question I would ask...Do you feel comfortable touching your own body? I am not talking masturbation I am talking about just touching your body. Rubbing your hand down your leg, or softly caressing your neck and shoulder. If you are not comfortable touching yourself then you are not going to be comfortable with anyone else touching you . Take some time and love yourself and your body. Small, gentle caresses will assist you in feeling sexier as well as learning to love your body and the sensations it is receiving. Women usually have some type of body complex and this can create a situation where being touched, naked or sexual are uncomfortable and take us out of our comfort zone.
My next question is...What is your sexual dialogue?
As a couple can you sit and talk about sex? Some people may be uncomfortable talking about sex with their spouse and this comes from a place of shame and guilt. Open and honest conversations about sex are some of the greatest conversations that my hubby and I have had. At times I would giggle and maybe even blush but after a few times I felt more and more like sharing my sexual wants, desires and thoughts. Sex is not a shameful thing but for women it can be because they were taught this as young girls. Try talking about something sexual in your relationship. If talking is to hard at first then get a note pad and write notes back and forth, like you and your friends did in high school. Take small steps to become more open sexually.
Now my next question is for the men...Are you taking time to get her sexual energy exploding?
Women are not cold one second and extremely hot the next...like men are, when it comes to sex. Men can compartmentalize sex...Most women can't . Women are emotional about sex and sex does not mean only paying attention to their boobs, butt and their vagina. There are many other sexual parts of a women. The slope of her neck, the curve of her back, her swiveling hips, her amazing thighs and her luscious lips. Pay attention to these areas leaving the boobs, butt and vagina until the very last. She is a buffet and her body should be the main course not just her specialized dishes. Treat her vagina like it is the biggest Christmas gift under the tree...you know the one you always save for last, knowing that it is the best. Her vagina is not going anywhere and the more you kiss, touch and caress her the more her vagina will be calling your name.
Women want to have orgasms and if they are not then sex can be not that appealing. Being sexual is amazing without orgasm but if every time you go to sit down at the dinner table and the places are set, the smell is delicious, the ambiance is perfect but there is no dinner then you would feel disappointed and upset. Orgasm is important and most women don't orgasm the second your penis enters her. There are tricks and perfect positions, or you may have to manually stimulate her to climax. There is nothing wrong with that. The more she orgasms the more she will want sex and be happy to have it with you.
Sex is something that takes effort. Get educated, explore one another, excite each other, express your wants, thoughts and desires and empower your sexual selves. This takes time, effort, energy and there can be no judgment. I promise you will be so grateful when you have the sexual connection that you deserve to have in your marriage!