I recently received an email about a couple who would love some assistance in their marriage. He loves porn and finds no problem with it while she hates porn and feels it is a sign of disrespect and dirtiness.
I am wanting to share my experience and insight regarding this subject. Porn is the number one way most people learn about sex. A recent study has showed that the top 3 keywords the average 7 year old looks up on the internet are google, youtube, and porn. So my point here is that porn is NOT going anywhere. I personally am not for or against porn but I have been both of these in my life time. I have had a major porn addiction in my life time, although I never viewed it as an addiction and then I have been so against porn it just disgusted me to even knew it existed. Such a love/hate relationship. So here is what I have personally discovered.
Men can compartmentalize sex. It is the way their brain is structured. This is why some men can have sex with women they absolutely can't stand. Sex is just something to do...like playing a round of golf. So when it comes to viewing porn from a male view, they feel there is nothing wrong with it. It is a safe way for them to receive pleasure without doing anything physically damaging to the relationship. They can see porn as an outlet to reduce stress and stay calm. If there is a lack of sexual chemistry in the marriage then this visual pleasure can be very needed for the male ego. Men long for the feeling of deep desire and intense sex. In the porn world the women show the men how badly they want the mans cock. How powerful and desired he is. The women are usually begging for sex and the men viewing this want this in the worst way. What man would not want his wife to beg for his luscious cock and keep begging until he is satisfied? This is why men love watching porn. Men want power, respect and a wife that can't get enough of his cock.
Most women usually attach porn to the feelings of not being good enough. When their husband views porn they attach themselves to this and immediately feel low self worth and very disconnected. Most women already struggle with the feeling of low self confidence in the bedroom. Porn can create even more disconnectedness in the bedroom. When women feel like there is no way they can look like a playboy model and act like they want their husbands cock so bad they can't stand it , then the bedroom can become a place of fear for women and not safety. Women need to feel safe in the bedroom. Porn can create a feeling of insecurity and to much vulnerability. Sex is an emotional experience for women so when the woman feels like she is unable to please her husband in a pornographic way then she would rather not try...then to try and fail. Woman naturally compare themselves to other women. You can see this is every aspect if daily life. Porn is no different.
So where do you go from here? He likes it and she doesn't.
The first thing you get to decide as a loving, respectful couple is....Can you come to a place of non judgmental discussion? Look inward when you are talking about the subject of porn. Don't blame or place guilt as this will only increase the situation. Come from a place of love and acceptance.
The second thing is.....is a middle ground possible? If both parties are open to trying different things in the bedroom then attempt to see if a middle ground is possible. There are pornographic movies that are produced from a woman's perspective. The sex is more soft, loving and nurturing.
The third thing is...sex is emotional for women. They do not want to be treated like a porn star. They do not want you to cum on their face(well most women don't). Porn can create a false reality of what women really want. Make sure you are emotionally connecting to her as well as taking the time to get her juices flowing. Going right to the breast and vagina can make a woman feel like an object and not a person.
This is some advise for the women: Embrace your sexual diva. We all have one. That voice inside our head that says " Hell yeah, I am going to please him in so many ways. As women we have this sexual energy that can be tapped into. Use it...don't be afraid of it. Your man will not judge you for anything you do sexually to him. At first you may have to play a part. The Naughty massage therapist or the erotic dancer that is there for his personal viewing pleasure. Have fun with sex. When we have fun with sex the more we will want it and enjoy it.
There are many people that say porn is very damaging and then there are many people that say porn is very healthy. You have to decide as a couple where you fit into this equation. Sex is beautiful, amazing, fun and allows for the ultimate expression of creativity. When we focus on strengthening our sexual connection in our marriage and this is our #1 priority then the decision to view porn or not will be a very easy one. Stay strong and united. Commit to having sex in your marriage on a daily basis for 21 days and see how you both feel after that. Sex is an energy that builds and build so the more we have the better it gets. Sometimes it gets so good that porn is no longer desired in the relationship! Sex for 21 days:)
*image used from make love not porn!
My name is Cameo .I have been married for 19 years and with my husband for 20.5 years. I know that the sexual connection in a marriage can create strength and happiness and I also know the lack of a sexual connection can leave you feeling empty and dissatisfied. Lets get real open and become sexually satisfied in our marriages!