Have you ever felt tears of sadness during sex?
Have you ever felt like giggling during sex?
Have you ever felt numb during sex?
Have you ever felt extreme love or extreme hate during sex?
I wanted to ask you these questions as I have experienced all of these emotions during or after sex. In our culture we are taught that sex should only be filled with pleasure and maybe a bit of pain if you and your partner are into that. We are taught that to feel emotions other then pleasure means that something is wrong with us sexually. We hear messages that create shame and guilt inside of us if we feel any of the above emotions I have mentioned. I wanted to share my emotional history with sex in the hopes that it will assist you in feeling more connected to your sexual soul.
I always have enjoyed being sexual. I haven't always enjoyed sex but I have always enjoyed being sexual. When I was younger I know the power of my feminine body. I knew that if I wore tight shirts and booty shorts I could get a lot of attention. This longing for men's attention came because of my first connection with a man. My biological father abandon me at a very young age and would also deny that I was even his. Even thou this happened at such a young age it completely altered how I interacted with men. I longed for men to want me, to love me, to need me and to approve of me. I knew that my sexual energy would be the easiest way to get that approval. I enjoyed sexing myself up to go out on the town. This method never failed I always found someone to fill this aching emptiness. I would love the laughter and the connection. I would reach out in the hopes that they could make me feel whole again. The night would go on and we would dance, laugh, have a drink and then make out. (When I was younger I was afraid of sex itself so that kept me a bit safer. I would have slept with many men searching for this approval if I didn't have this underlying fear). My biological father was a raging alcoholic and he was extremely abusive. I am sure this is where my fear of sex came from. He would force himself on my mom in a brutal way so this made me fearful of sex. Anyway. I spent many a nights trying to find this approval, this love that I thought only a man could give me.
When I was 17 I fell in love. His name was Eddie and he made me feel complete. He made me feel special. He made me feel wanted. He made me feel loved. How I attracted him into my life would only make sense, his mother was an alcoholic. He could relate to my pain and we used each other to fill the silence of a disconnected parent. He assisted me in covering up my issue of abandonment and rejection and I assisted him in covering up his issue of lonliness and despair. So about a month went by and we finally had sex. I had an orgasm in about 1 minute. I didn't know what an orgasm with a man felt like. I had masturbated for years but had no idea I was giving myself orgasms. So when he gave me an orgasm something happened and I felt shame, guilt and shock. For the next 10 years I never experienced an orgasm through penetration alone. I went years with attaching so much to my ability to not have an orgasm with penetration alone. I had no one to talk to I just had my own thoughts that created a feeling of darkness and hatred.
So I am now married and have been for 15 years. I have been working on releasing many emotions that I have around sex. Here is the first experience I had that I know that sex could and is so healing. One night Jeff and I wanted to try something new in the bedroom. I asked him at dinner if he would kind of be a bit forceful with me and really use some aggressive energy. The night went on and I had forgot about our dinner conversation. We were laying in bed and we started wrestling and I was laughing and giggling. He then reached over, slapped me pretty hard and threw me on my back. He was doing what I had asked him but it didn't go down like I expected. When he slapped me I started to sob. This was a cry so deep, so intense, so painful. I cried and cried for about 30 minutes. This experience assisted me in realizing that sex is extremely healing. Some of this pain was my own for going so many years searching for approval but some of this energy was from my mother. Generational energy that was trapped inside me. I am thankful for that experience. I am also thankful for the ability for me to realize that feeling, expressing and healing my emotions during or after sex is completely normal. I still have moments when I feel like crying after sex and so I do. It has nothing to do with the sex itself. It has to do with the emotions that sex brings up and if we just suppress these then sex will never be enjoyable.
It is absolutely acceptable to feel joy, anger, sadness, laughter and any other emotion that comes up while we are being sexual. Sex is the most amazing thing and when we are having a sexual relationship with our spouse, someone who hopefully we feel safe with, we are going to have these emotional experiences. Release your need to be perfect in the bedroom. Its okay to be a hot mess. Laugh, cry, kick, scream and love yourself through the process of sexual emotional healing.
You are absolutely amazing and you deserve to feel comfortable expressing your sexual emotions. Don't shut down. Don't run. Show up. Embrace who you are and allow yourself to be transparent and loved.