Today I am here to share something very personal. For 2 weeks I have not been sexually intimate with my husband. I have been working through my sexual blocks for the last year and a half and sharing them on this site for everyone to read and maybe I can assist someone who is experiencing something very similiar. I am sharing my view points from the emotional side of sex and also the physical side of sex. I am going to be 36 this April. When I look deep within my soul I realize my sexual foundation has been built on very shakey ground.I experienced sexual trauma at a young age and then I learned about sex through playboy magazines and watching porn. I am the only girl in my family with 6 older brothers.I heard many comments that came from a very sexual view point . I am not blaming anyone but I learned at a very young age if I was thin, dressed racy, had a flirty demeanor about me then I could get most boys attention....and I did. Sex always intimidated me but the making out part, the capturing...I was really good at. I felt powerful and in control. I also felt intense rage and anger. I still do. I feel angry most the time when I am being sexual. I feel as thou I am doing something that I do not want to do. I feel violated. I feel pissed off. I feel sad. I feel disconnected . I feel cheated that I am unable to experience the beautiful, spiritual sexual realm that I know exist. I have had many great experiences over the last year and a half. I have released blocks and opened up in new and exciting ways. I have tried many new things in the bedroom, some have been great and some have been not so great BUT no matter what I do 95% of the time this emotion of silent anger is present.
So I opened up to my husband and asked him to give me some space in the sexual area of our relationship. We still hug, hold hands, kiss and sit super close to one another on the couch but now I am allowed internally to relax into these moments. I am feeling spiritually connected in these moments. I am present. I am allowing. I am loving. I feel free. I feel free to be me and allow these wonderful moments of connection and love to flow through me. I feel more connected to who I am as a person in the last few weeks. If we are having sex and in this loving moment we are feeling angry and disconnected then we get to take some time away from the nakedness of the relationship. Be open through this sexual, emotional experience with your spouse. Let them know about your life experiences when it comes to sex and share personal and in depth stories. When we open up to one another then we can work through and release blocks. If your spouse knows why you would like some time to just be in the marriage without sexual expectations then they will know it is not them that you are denying. It will be hard for them as I know it is hard for my hubby but I know that he loves, respects and cherishes me as a person. He wants me to be happy, healthy and whole. He wants me to feel and experience the beautiful, spiritual sexual realm. He knows that I am experiencing something very emotional and very personal. He is allowing me to ....BE.
I am so grateful to have such an amazing husband. I am so grateful to have the most amazing life partner . I am so grateful to have the best friend a girl could ever have. I am grateful to experience this life with Jeff...we are kindred souls. Don't be afraid to share your feelings with your spouse. Open up and allow your life to be shared and experienced with one another. Don't hide and shut down. Be brave, be connected, be honest, be sincere and be yourself. In a marriage we want to support and love one another. This moment in our marriage has been inspiring and transformational. I love and respect Jeff more and more with each passing day. I know he was meant for me and I was meant for him. I know this connection took place so we could learn exactly what we wanted to learn when it comes to an emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual relationship. Thank you baby for loving me just the way I am right at this moment.