things we can do to be better lovers and create more excitement in our sexual life. Yesterday we watched a documentary called " After porn ends". It was so interesting to hear the stories of individuals that experienced a life of sexual openness. Most of theseindividuals were comfortable naked and some of them were not comfortable naked and masked their discomfort with alcohol and drugs. Some of the stories we heard were really sad and some of the stories we heard were individuals that are very comfortable with their choice of being in the adult entertainment world . As I was watching this I noticed the discomfort I felt at times. I still struggle with being comfortable sexually. I really was aware of my emotional feelings. I am comfortable watching racy, exotic movies when I am all alone but this was a documentary and although it was a racy, sexy and erotic documentary, I felt uneasy watching it with Jeff. This is so weird to me. I have been married to this man since June of
2001 and we have had an intimate, sexual relationship for a year and a half
longer. WHY do I feel this way? Why at times do I feel like a
little innocent girl in an adults body. I have had some very erotic sexual
experiences in my life with Jeff and I feel like an adult woman but yet at times
I feel like I am this little shy girl who giggles when naughty words are spoke
and squirms when naked people are on T.V. I feel like I have a dual sexual
personality. A personality that at one moment is feeling like a sexy, confident,
vivacious woman who is ready to experience sexual pleasure with her husband.
Then there is this other personality that is this little girl who laughs,
giggles and feels inadequate in the bedroom. This is why I have not blogged for
a month. I am experiencing the little shy girl personality. The one that wants
to kiss her husband in a quick manner and then get my flannel pajamas on. The
personality that feels very little sexual excitement. This is so strange for me.
I thought this little girl personality had finally disappeared but here she
is...bouncing around . I am now going to start doing personal work to find out
why she is here and what she is protecting me from. I have a strong desire to
feel comfortable in my skin and a super strong desire to feel confident all the
time sexually. I want to be open , I want to be honest, I want to be vulnerable,
I want to be present and I want to know that I AM! I am strong, powerful, sexy,
vivacious, delicious, honest, vulnerable, open and aware. I know this dual
personality was created to protect me but I am know in a safe environment and
she is no longer required. I am ready to release her and stand strong in the
space of sexual satisfaction!