My husband is a very touchy feely type of man. 90% of time that he passes by me in the house he touches me in some way. This may be a soft and gently caress across the back or this can also be a hand sliding down
my shirt to touch, well lets call it what it really is, grab my boobs. I know he just wants to touch me and show me that he is sexually attracted to me still...after 14 years together...this is meant to be a beautiful gesture BUT
at times this can activate an anger in me that feels like I could literally rip his arm off at the shoulder. WHERE does this emotion come from? I love my husband. He is my best friend. He is my partner in life. I want him to want to touch me, so where does this anger come from?
After some deep thought as well as speaking openly with my Mom, I found out where this comes from. Could this be an inherited emotion that my Mom use to feel when my biological abusive father, use to grab her in
this way? She was pregnant with me and would experience this exact emotion. The rage, the anger, the sadness of a man that treated her wrongly touching her in this sexual way. Could this emotion become a characteristic that I took a hold of? I took this pain and placed it firmly within my sexual dialogue. I felt this emotion when I was in the womb as well as seeing my mom respond this way the first precious moments of my childhood.
Sex was not a beautiful amazing moment for her and these thoughts, feelings and emotions have found a place into my sexual life as well.
When I first became sexually active ,at the age of 17, I was always under some form of substance control. I loved smoking pot. For the next 4 years of my life there was pounds of pot, this also lead to cocaine, with
an occasional mushroom trip splashed with a few acid trips, that turned into smoking crack which turned into the place where most drug users end up...the world of crystal meth. At the age of 22 I got out with determination, will power and having a daughter that I knew deserved a wonderful sober Mother.
I have been drug free for 14 years now. I now know that a lot of this substance abuse was to mask the pain I felt sexually and emotionally.
Even in my marriage there was a good part of the time that I would prefer to have a drink so I could be more liberated and open with my sexual self. There is this sexual diva that comes out strong when I have had
a beer or 2 or a few crown and cokes. This sexual tigress arrives and she is on fire with passion, drive, determination and dominance. I would always feel sad afterwards because I knew that sex could be amazing without the use of something to dull my emotional pain.
So I have choose to release the pain and sadness that I unconsciously decided to become part of my sexual story. I am still working through this process but now that I understand where it comes from it will be easier for me to release. This is just one small part of my sexual self. I have many other emotions and some sexual traumas as well that have really shifted my ability to see sex as I wish but I know I can get to that place with dedication, determination and will power.
Where have some of your sexual emotions came from?
What steps have you taken to move to awareness and release some of the pain?
Take a moment and see if you can find some answers.
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