I feel as thou I have been lead on a journey to discover orgasmic meditation. I have wrote this blog off and on for almost 5 years. I absolutely love sharing my journey of sexual healing. I post a lot when I am actively working on my sexual energy and then feeling of unworthiness and shame come up and I completely withdraw and stop blogging.
I have always been drawn to sex. I love thinking about sex. I love feeling the energy of sexual thoughts. I love dressing up and acting sexy. I use to love watching people have sex( aka porn). I have had sexual relationships with other women and my husband and I were involved in the swingers lifestyle for about 6 months almost 11 years ago.
I have always felt as thou I was missing something so vital to my feminine energy. I looked for it everywhere. Was it in a delicious meal? Was it in a one on one coaching session? Was it in being a Mother? Was it in being a friend? Was it in having a successful business? Was it in discovering my inner child? Was it in breaking through my emotional blocks? Was it in working out and looking better in my physical body? Was it in juicing for 21 days and feeling lighter? Was it in homeschooling my children? Was it in all the self help books? Was it in the swingers lifestyle? Was it in a happy marriage?
WHERE WAS IT???????????????
I have grown and learned many life lessons from the items I mentioned above but I still felt as thou I was missing a VITAL part of who I am and what I am suppose to be doing here on this earthly plane.
I started doing research on Sexual Healing Practices.
I have experienced sexual trauma and have always felt something blocking me from complete surrender in the bedroom. I have broke through so many layers but there is still something so palpable that I can feel and it is blocking me from going for what I want in life and feeling safe, seen and absolute love. I discovered this practice called Orgasmic Meditation. I watched videos listening to other peoples experiences. I watched videos discussing how to do the practice and then I waited. I waited for 7 days and I couldn't get the courage to bring it up to my husband. For 7 days I tried to suppress the desire that I had to do this practice. I ate and ate and stuffed my feelings, wants and desires until my soul wanted me to say something. I was reading something that said OM on it and my husband said " What it OM"? I turned to him very calmly and said "orgasmic meditation". His interest was peaked and we talked for about an hour. We decided to OM together. The other reason I had some blocks come up is the power to receive without giving back right away. I have always been a giver. The thought of laying there with my pants off while my husband is fully clothed and stroking my clitoris for 15 minutes created feelings of guilt and unworthiness. I love taking care of my husband and I fully enjoy making his meals, bringing him something to drink, washing his clothes, and showing my appreciation for him as I feel so grateful that I can be a stay at home mom but when it comes to me receiving without giving some major blocks showed there wicked little heads.
We have committed to the practice at least 3 times a week but if we are home we will do it everyday.
Day 1: Wow I feel excited, nervous and a little unsure. We created what the practice calls A Nest. I laid down a comforter, a pillow for my head and two other pillows for my legs to rest on. I got the coconut oil and a few hand towels. We shut and locked the door and began the practice. I took my shorts and my panties off and laid down face up. I butterflied my legs open and my husband sat down next to me on my right side. He remains fully clothed. His left leg goes over top of me about at my waist line and his right leg slides under my legs. As he sat down next to me and start touching my legs I started to cry. Never in my life have I experienced someone just noticing my pussy. He didn't want anything from me he just wanted to notice my feminine essence and nothing else. It was truly such a beautiful moment. He then got some coconut oil on his left index finger ( I started the timer for 15 minutes) and he started lightly stroking my clitoris. The practice calls for the upper left hand part of the clitoris is to be stroked, if the clitoris was a clock it would be the 1 o'clock position. This was our first time so we ended up not staying in the 1 o'clock position the whole time but we gave ourselves room to learn and grow. I laid there for 15 minutes while my husband stroked my clitoris. This first time I did have an orgasm. That is not the intent of the practice, even thou it is called Orgasmic Mediation. The intent is to just lay, be present, connect with another human being, and allow myself to receive. I did notice after orgasm I didn't love the stroking anymore I wanted my husband to stop but I breathed through it and I kept telling myself " I am safe, I am safe, I am safe". This allowed my to release and to stay present. The timer then went off and we shared what the practice calls a frame. Something we felt in the practice. My husband felt turned on and revved up and I felt a vibration in the lower part of my belly. I got dressed and we folded up our nest and left the room. This happened at around 10:30 am.
Here is what I experienced afterwards: I felt a bit more connected to everything around me. I felt an extremely loving connection with my husband. I felt mini orgasmic sensations for the next hour or so. I felt loved, accepted and understood. I felt seen. I felt a deepness that I have not felt before.
I am feeling excited to continue this practice and share.